but wait

I still can’t make sense of the silence,

when I want to speak,

but nothing comes out.

the words get stuck in my throat,

choking me,

and I don’t know how to ask for help,

or even if I should.

I’m trying to talk, but wait—

The person who listened.

The only one who saw past the walls,

past the silence,

past the smile I wear like armor,

is not here.

I’m trying to breathe, but wait—

my lungs are tired, heavy with the weight of thoughts

that never seem to end.

my mind is too loud.

Every inhale tastes like memories,

his voice in the songs he wrote.

The kind that keeps me up at night,

pressing against my chest, whispering that I am not enough,

never will be.

I’m trying to forgive myself, but wait—

I keep replaying every mistake, 

every word, 

every moment

where maybe, just maybe, I could have changed things.

But the past is carved in stone,

and no matter how much I bleed for it,

it won’t rewrite itself.

I try to stand, but wait—

My legs are weak under the weight of my mind,

of family where home is just walls that don’t listen,

but as long as I’m kind.

Of expectations I can’t meet, of love I can’t fix.

I’m supposed to have dreams, 

ambitions,

a map to the future.

but all I have are questions.

and the courage to say nothing at all.

and I can't tell the one person 

I would say something, too.

I’m trying to be strong, but wait—

what does strength even look like?

Does it mean pretending I’m okay when I’m not?

When the boy who made me feel like 

the most beautiful girl in the world

is gone,

and now I can't even stand to see my own reflection?

When the world and I, who

makes it through,

are now just tired.  

Some days, 

I think the emptiness will swallow me whole.

But then, there are moments,

small ones,

where I laugh without thinking,

where the weight in my chest lifts just a little.

Maybe I should just wait.